House rules for kids: how to make family rules together

Why three to five rules are enough

Many families start out with good intentions and a long list: no yelling, no running, no talking with your mouth full, shoes off, clean your room, screens off at seven. A week later, nobody is quite sure which rules still count.

The CDC notes that toddlers and preschoolers can only learn and remember two to three rules at any one time (CDC, Tips for Creating Rules). The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends clear and consistent rules, explained in terms your child can understand at their age (AAP).

So for preschoolers, two or three rules are a good start, and for school-age kids three to five. Daily tasks like brushing teeth or packing a backpack belong in your daily routine, not on the rules poster. In the Teselora App, for example, those daily agreements become cards for the morning, afternoon or evening.

Say what to do, not what not to do

A “don’t” tells your child what to stop, but not what to do instead. “Don’t run” leaves open whether tiptoeing, hopping or crawling is the idea. “We walk inside” shows the goal. The CDC describes a family rule as a specific, clear statement about what you expect from your child (CDC).

• “No yelling” becomes “We use quiet voices inside.”
• “No hitting” becomes “We keep our hands and feet to ourselves.”
• “Don’t leave your stuff everywhere” becomes “We clean up together after we play.”
• “Don’t interrupt” becomes “We let each other finish talking.”
• “No phones at dinner” becomes “At dinner, all phones go in the drawer.”

The “we” is on purpose. It turns an order aimed at your child into an agreement for everyone. And at the dinner table it sounds a lot friendlier than “you need to.”

How to make family rules at a family meeting

When your child helps come up with the rules, they’re their rules too. A family meeting is a good way to do it: a short, regular get-together of everyone who lives in the house.

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests holding family meetings at a regular, pleasant time, such as after dinner, for no more than 20 or 30 minutes. Everyone gets to speak without criticism or interruption, the main agreements get written down, and parents have the final word on difficult decisions (AAP, How to Have a Family Meeting).

1. Pick a set time, like Sunday after dinner. Everyone sits at the table, and phones stay somewhere else.
2. Say what it’s about: “Today we’re figuring out which three rules we want in our house.”
3. Go around the table: What bugs you at home? What would you like? Everyone gets a turn, even the youngest.
4. Choose the three to five most important points together and phrase each one as a “we” sentence.
5. For each rule, talk about what happens if it doesn’t work out.
6. Write or draw everything and set the next meeting. At the end, anyone who wants to can say how the meeting went.

With preschoolers, a family meeting takes ten minutes, not thirty. If your child gets wiggly, the meeting is over, and you pick it up next time.

House rules for kids with pictures

A rule that only lives in the grown-ups’ heads barely exists for a child. Put the rules up where everyone walks by, in the hallway or on the fridge. Because many young children can’t read yet, the CDC suggests using pictures or visual cues on the chart (CDC).

• One picture per rule: two feet for “We walk inside,” a toy bin for cleaning up, an ear for letting others finish.
• Your child draws the pictures, or you take photos of them acting out each rule.
• Write the sentence in big letters under the picture so school-age kids can read it.
• Everyone signs it, little ones with a handprint.
• Hang the poster at your child’s eye level, not yours.

A printable from the internet looks neater. A homemade chart shows your own rules, though, and your child will recognize their drawings right away.

Rules apply to grown-ups too

Kids watch closely to see whether adults follow the same rules. If you hang up “At dinner, all phones go in the drawer” and then check your messages, the rule is as good as gone. The CDC stresses that it’s important for your child to see everyone in the family following the rules (CDC).

The AAP also advises parents to model what they want to see in their children (AAP). That goes double for screens. If there’s a rule about phones, it needs to apply to yours as well.

When you break a rule yourself, say so: “I just raised my voice, even though we agreed on quiet voices inside. I’m sorry.” That way your child sees that the rule counts for you too.

Examples of house rules by age

Which rules fit depends on your child’s age and your daily life. These are suggestions. Pick two to five instead of hanging up all of them.

Ages three to five:

• We walk inside.
• We keep our hands and feet to ourselves.
• We clean up together after we play.
• We tell a grown-up before we leave the yard.

Ages six to nine:

• We let each other finish talking.
• We knock when a door is closed.
• If something breaks, we say so and help fix it.
• Screens are for the times we agreed on.

Ages ten and up:

• We say where we’re going and when we’ll be back.
• At night, all phones sleep in the kitchen, parents’ phones too.
• We ask before we borrow something.
• We sort out arguments once everyone has calmed down.

When a rule gets broken: reminders and fair consequences

Rules get broken. That’s part of the deal and doesn’t mean the rule is wrong. What matters is how you respond.

• Remind calmly: point to the poster and say the sentence, “We walk inside.” Sometimes that’s enough.
• Explain consequences ahead of time: the AAP recommends calmly and firmly explaining what will happen if a rule isn’t followed. Their example: if toys don’t get picked up, you put them away for the rest of the day (AAP).
• Keep it clear and quick: the CDC says the consequences for not following a rule should be clear to you and your child and given right away (CDC).
• Follow through every time: if you’ve said a certain action has a consequence, the CDC advises applying it every time it happens (CDC, Tips for Relying on Routines and Rules). So only announce what you can actually carry out.

The difference from punishment: a consequence is connected to the rule, known in advance and fair. No TV because someone ran in the hallway is a punishment. Drawing on the wall with a marker and then helping to scrub it off is a consequence.

Keep rules and reward charts apart. Points are for steps that went well, not something to take away when a rule gets broken.

Check in on your rules every few weeks

Rules aren’t forever. What fits a four-year-old feels babyish at eight. When a rule changes, the CDC recommends explaining the reason behind the change, and whether it’s permanent or temporary, once your child is calm (CDC).

Every few weeks, look at the poster together at a family meeting. Which rule now works on its own? It can come down, and that’s worth celebrating. Which rule trips you up every week? Maybe it’s too vague, too hard for your child’s age, or doesn’t fit your family’s routine.

New rules come up when life changes: a new sibling, a first phone, a move. Talk about why the new rule exists, then update the poster.

Frequently asked questions

Further reading

• How to praise a child: what to say instead of “good job”