How to praise a child: what to say instead of “good job”

What research says about praise

The best-known work comes from Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck. In six studies, fifth graders were praised after a task either for being smart or for working hard. Then came a harder round that ended in failure. The kids who had been praised for intelligence were less willing to keep going, enjoyed the task less and did worse. They were also more likely to see intelligence as something fixed (Mueller & Dweck 1998).

A study of everyday family life points the same way. Researchers recorded how parents talked to their one- to three-year-olds at home. Children whose parents praised effort more often were more likely at seven or eight to see abilities as something you can grow. Praise for traits, on the other hand, wasn’t linked to a fixed view (Gunderson et al. 2013). It included 53 families and shows a link, not cause and effect.

A major review describes when praise tends to boost a child’s interest: when it’s sincere, ties success to things the child can control, respects their independence, doesn’t lean on comparisons with others, and sets expectations they can reach. Age, gender and culture play a role too (Henderlong & Lepper 2002).

Where the research falls short

So praise isn’t good or bad in itself. According to Henderlong and Lepper, it can strengthen a child’s interest, weaken it or make no difference at all, depending on how it’s meant and how it lands.

Even the famous findings about praising intelligence aren’t set in stone. A research team repeated Mueller and Dweck’s experiments with 624 children ages 9 to 13 in China and didn’t find most of the effects again. The children’s beliefs about ability weren’t linked to how they handled setbacks or to their grades either (Li & Bates 2019).

The findings are mixed. Many studies took place in a lab, with one task and one sentence. At home you say thousands of sentences over the years, and no single one shapes your child forever. What still holds: praise that describes what your child did is more honest and tells them more than a verdict on who they are.

Descriptive praise: say what you saw

“Great job!” slips out of everyone. It isn’t wrong, but it doesn’t tell your child what you liked. The CDC calls this unlabeled praise and contrasts it with labeled praise, which lets your child know exactly what they did that you liked, for example: “I saw that you put your toys away!” (CDC).

A simple pattern helps. First: What did you see? Then, if it fits: What came of it? “You set the table. Now we can eat right away.” That’s all it takes.

Praise effort and process, not “you’re so smart”

Praise for traits sounds loving: “You’re so smart,” “You’re a natural artist,” “You’re such a good kid.” The trouble starts with the next mistake. If being smart was the reason for success, what does a failure say about the child?

Praising the process keeps the spotlight on what your child can control: practicing, trying things out, sticking with it, a new idea. So instead of “You’re a math genius,” try “You tried two ways until one worked.” Instead of “You’re so athletic,” try “You swam a little farther every day.”

Praising effort doesn’t mean sugarcoating every result. If your child worked hard and it still didn’t work out, say so honestly and figure out together what they could try differently next time. The AAP suggests praising both goals reached and efforts made, and noticing even small improvements (AAP, HealthyChildren.org).

Keep it honest, not over the top

Many parents praise extra hard when their child doubts themselves. A series of studies from the Netherlands found that adults are especially likely to give inflated praise, like “You made an incredibly beautiful drawing!”, to children with low self-esteem. In an experiment, those very children then chose challenging tasks less often, while children with high self-esteem chose them more often (Brummelman et al. 2014).

The researchers suggest that inflated praise sets the bar very high. If you were already “incredible,” the next time can only go downhill.

If every little thing earns a “Super!”, the word loses its weight. Praise less often and more precisely.

How to praise a child: 25 examples for everyday life

Instead of “good job,” try phrases like these. Treat them as ideas and put them in your own words.

Mornings and chores:

• “You got dressed all by yourself today, socks too.”
• “You set the table without me asking.”
• “Thanks for putting your shoes right on the rack.”
• “You made your bed. It looks so cozy.”
• “You remembered your water bottle. That saves us time today.”

Learning and school:

• “You stuck with that problem even though it was hard.”
• “You tried a different way when the first one didn’t work.”
• “Your letters are more even than last week.”
• “You figured out on your own what to start with.”
• “You asked when you got stuck.”

Playing, drawing, building:

• “Tell me how you came up with the idea for that tower.”
• “You used so many different shades of blue.”
• “The tower fell three times, and you started over every time.”
• “You read the instructions really carefully.”
• “You worked on that picture for a long time. I can see every little detail.”

Getting along:

• “You waited until I finished my phone call. Thank you.”
• “You helped your brother with the puzzle without doing it for him.”
• “You told me you were angry instead of pushing.”
• “You told Grandma about your day. She loved that.”
• “You let him have your favorite car. That was generous.”

In tough moments:

• “It was close, and you tried anyway.”
• “You were nervous about swim class and got in the water anyway.”
• “I saw you take a deep breath before you answered.”
• “You apologized. I know that wasn’t easy.”
• “You kept going even though you didn’t feel like it anymore.”

Sometimes the best response isn’t praise at all but real interest: “Tell me about it.” Or just sit down next to your child and watch.

Praise and rewards are two different things

Praise is feedback in words, right away and free. A reward is something your child earns, like points, an outing or a sticker. The two can go side by side. If you use a reward chart, keep it fair: points come right after each step and are never taken away.

Just remember that points don’t replace your words. In the Teselora App, every finished step earns points too, but “You brushed your teeth today without a reminder” at the breakfast table still has to come from you.

Praising siblings without comparing

“Look how neat your sister keeps her room” is meant as motivation and goes over badly with both kids. Henderlong and Lepper list praise that doesn’t lean on comparisons with others among the conditions under which praise tends to support motivation (Henderlong & Lepper 2002).

• Praise each child for what they did, ideally when the other one isn’t standing right there.
• Compare a child with themselves: “Last week you still needed help, today you did it on your own.”
• Recognize what they did together: “You built the fort together and took turns.”
• No rankings, not even as a joke: whoever gets dressed fastest isn’t the better kid.

When your child pushes praise away

Some kids brush it off, roll their eyes or even crumple up the drawing you praised. There can be many reasons: the praise doesn’t match what your child thinks of their work, it’s embarrassing in front of others, or it sounds too big.

• Praise more quietly and more precisely, without superlatives.
• Say it one-on-one instead of in front of guests or siblings.
• Describe instead of judging: “You mixed a lot of colors here” instead of “That’s beautiful.”
• Ask instead of rating: “What do you like best about it?”
• Slip a note into their lunchbox. Some kids would rather read praise than hear it.

With kids who think little of themselves, it’s tempting to pile it on even more. The findings on inflated praise point the other way (Brummelman et al. 2014).

Frequently asked questions

Further reading

• Reward ideas for kids: 40 non-food rewards that cost little